losing it: apologies
It’s a while since I wrote about it, but I haven’t forgotten about my pledge to let go of a lot of stuff, and I’m going to be posting soon about some of the bigger (and more tangible) things I’ve said goodbye to lately.
This is just a small thing — tiny really — but I get the feeling it could be life-changing:
I’m letting go of apologising for my existence.
Excuse me
I noticed a couple of weeks ago that I have the tendency to add “if possible” to the end of sentences. “I’d like to see you, if possible.” I’d like a review copy, if possible”. “I’d like to write for you, if possible.” It’s like I have to prepare for the potential for rejection by building it in to every request. And it has to make me seem nervy and not confident, afraid to be bold enough to just state my desires. So I’ve started deleting it from sentences every time I spot it. Knowing it might not be possible and asking anyway. I also add ellipses (…) to the end of sentences, as if I don’t quite trust them to stand alone. It’s time to stop it, to just say things.
I’m sorry but… I’m not sorry
Even worse, I often say sorry for stuff that’s not my fault or even my responsibility.
Most often: when I can’t do something that someone expects or wants from me, I say sorry. But why should I be sorry? I can be polite, I can be kind, but I don’t have to take on the responsibility of being sorry.
This week I have to turn down five things I don’t want to do, which seems like a lot in a short space of time, but is a great test for me.
N…n…NO
I don’t know why I find saying no so hard, as if people will be utterly devastated, their lives hinging on the hope only I can bring them. I know I’m not that important. But I’m a people-pleaser and confrontation-hater from way back, and have convinced myself I wanted to do things more times than I can count, just ‘cos I’m scared of letting someone down. Of not being the person they think I am. Of making them do stuff on their own. But now I see how much I’ve let myself down by wasting my life on stuff I don’t really care about.
So I’m firmly but kindly starting to say no — sans “sorry”.
It feels weird. But it feels liberating, too.
Have you been apologising for yourself when you don’t need to? Tell me! (Or don’t — it’s entirely up to you.)
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This is totally me – although I have (only recently) started saying very tentative ‘no’s – but only to people I know will forgive me if it’s needed. Ridiculous isn’t it, all this approval weight we give ourselves to carry? It’ll probably say ‘sorry’ on my gravestone. I’ll still think I’m in the way or not making the best use of the space I’ve been given!
Hi Debs! It is silly, yes. Getting on my feminist soapbox for a second, I wonder if it’s because society encourages women to be the more accommodating sex, or if men struggle with this, too…
When I really annoy myself with apologising or trying not to upset anyone is when I find myself trying to please people I don’t even like that much. Why do I need them to like me?
Sigh.
I do that all the time! Today, I wrote an email requesting something urgently, but I’m fairly sure the recipient didn’t get that impression, after I used the words ‘If possible’ ‘if that’s ok’ and, worst of all ‘no rush though!’
I’ll be following your lead and attempting to say ‘no’ more often, and ‘sorry’ less often.
Hee, I do that too. Someone asked me last week when I needed something for, and it almost killed me to write “in the next month” rather than “oh, whenever you can fit it in”. And of COURSE I added “if possible” to the end of the sentence. There should be a support group, or something.
I do that all the time, Diane. Not sure why. Just going around apologising for opinions that others may not share, or saying sorry when I’m in the right (everyone in my family needs to be right – saying sorry first is the easiest option out of an argument)
It’s silly. I’m going to follow your lead and stop saying it all the blummin’ time!
Kirst x
Oh, having a different opinion is a major trigger for my “sorry!” muscle, too. But if I can inspire you to not say it all the time, I’m very glad
Hi Di! Good for you…. I am a permanent apologiser and I am also trying to stop it! I have recently noticed how much other people DON’T apologise, even when I think they should so I am making a concerted effort to stop being so pathetic (that’s me not you!) Good luck! xx
Hi honey, thanks for commenting. Obvs there’s nothing better than a sincere apology, but you’re right — so many people go around not caring in the least what they say to people, then there’s us, apologising for breathing. Good luck to you too! x
I do this all the time. I apologise way to often and even if I have the most basic want, I feel like I’m imposing horribly on someone and feel guilty for asking. I put it down to a) being a wimp and b) being a nice person. I don’t struggle with saying no so much now though; I learned a while ago that you can’t do everything, that trying to do everything will make you unhappy and that it’s about quality over quantity. I can do less things well and enjoy them or do more things, make a hash of them and be miserable. No brainer really. Good luck with your challenges! Just say no! :0)
Thanks, Robyn! I will try. You’re so right about quality over quantity, but I fear people won’t like me if I say no. I even feel bad with people I don’t like, and things I don’t want to do. I know, it’s ridiculous.
I’m sorry, but I do this all the time…
Ha, no! You’re NOT sorry