i'm losing it (and that's a good thing)

Whoomp me, baby

There’s probably nothing less original right now than writing a blog post inspired by Eat, Pray, Love and yet here I am, writing a blog post partly inspired by Eat, Pray, Love. Following on from a blog post fully inspired by Eat, Pray, Love.

Oh well. Let’s power through this and get to the part where I talk about getting rid of a ton of my worldly goods, shall we?

For me, the best bit of the Eat Pray Love trailer is where the bearded man tells Liz:

“If you could clear out all the space in your mind, you’d have a doorway, and you know what the universe would do?

*Whoomp* Rush in.”

That bit made me shivery.

Like I was recognising some fundamental truth about the world.

I hope it’s true.

I want to believe it is.

Making room for good stuff

My experience has been that for good things to happen, you have to initiate things yourself. You have to take the hard steps and make the tough decisions and only later will you get any clues as to whether you’re doing the right thing; only then will good things start to come back to you.

But lately I have not been doing enough of the hard stuff. Instead, I’ve been stressing too much and striving too hard, looking to writing to save me from pain, acting as if a column or commission is going to make me happy, when really I know it might make life easier, or make me feel a bit better for a while, but it won’t change my entire life or allow me to ignore the problems I need to tackle.

Plus, if I did do really well and get offered a prestigious full-time writing gig, chance to appear on telly, or some other ego-boosting prize, would I be mentally well and physically healthy enough to take advantage of it?

Nope.

There’s this well-known much-loved online life-improvement course called Mondo Beyondo, which I was going to take last year but I went back to uni and relapsed and things kind of got away from me instead. I hear great things about it though, and I recently read (in a really nice blog post which of course I now can’t find) that one of the ideas of the course is that you should create a clearing, i.e. make room for positive stuff to happen, for the universe to *whoomp* rush in. Even before you know what that good stuff might be, or get the slightest hint that it’s on its way.

Getting rid of everything

Then I read about Bindu Wiles’ idea for The Shed Project, or  Shedventure. She’s aiming to reduce her belongings to just three backpacks and one box (100 items in total, eek) so she can travel, and she’s inviting anyone who is interested to join her, suggesting participants each lose ten pounds (of weight), somewhere between a quarter and all of their stuff, and as much emotional baggage as possible.

Says Bindu:

“I mean, even if you aren’t going to travel anywhere, wouldn’t it be great to simplify your possessions? Reduce? Clean out the attic, the garage, the junk drawer, your file cabinet… To explore wants vs. needs? To shed a few pounds? To let go of some emotional baggage? (Of COURSE we have to include emotions! After all, it’s me leading this thing, and I am so enchanted by the emotional work we can do to lighten our load and free ourselves. So even if you don’t let go of one pound or one possession, but you let go of things internally: WIN).

Here’s a cool thing I am already experiencing: The awesome paradox of letting go is: you GAIN. You gain things that didn’t have the space to show up before.

Just like the Eat Pray Love dude said!

Feel the burn, baby

(Yes, I’ll stop ending sentences in “baby” soon.)

What I like about Bindu’s vision is that she includes emotions.

Tidying is good. Getting rid of stuff is good. But it’s not enough.

As nice as it is to think we can chuck out a ton of stuff and we’ll thus magically achieve an emotional transformation, I really don’t think it’s that simple. I think we actually have to feel our feelings in order to get to the other side. (Of the feelings, not of life.)  Of course, looking at the literal stuff we’re holding onto can be a catalyst for change, but it’s not a way to bypass any emotional “work” (therapy etc) you need to do.

…Or maybe just a few things

I haven’t decided yet whether I’m going to take part in Bindu Wiles’ 8 Week Shed Project — it’s pretty huge in scale (and involves, like, cash money). But I am going to use it, and the clearing idea, and the Eat Pray Love dude, as inspiration.

I’m going to start looking at my stuff and saying “Do I really need this?” and “Do I actually want this?”

As well as books I have no interest in reading, jewellery I no longer wear, clothes that don’t fit, and gifts I never needed, I’m going to try to let go of some old emotions and beliefs I no longer need. (I’m not doing the losing weight thing, though, in case you were wondering. I think it’s more important that I build a healthy relationship with my body.)

I’ve looked around my room already, and I found so many things I’m holding onto for no reason. Except it’s not for no reason. I’m keeping innumerable objects “just in case”. In case I need them in future even though I’ve never needed them until now.

It hit me like a ten-ton train when I realised why I was doing this: because I assume I won’t ever have the money to buy the things I need.

What are you really holding on to?

By holding on so tight to these things, aren’t I just telling myself “You’re not safe,” and “I don’t trust you to provide for me.”? Letting go is a huge leap of faith: it means putting my trust in myself, and in the universe, that I will have what I need when I need it. That I will have, do have, enough. And that I don’t have a miserable future ahead.

There’s no real way to protect yourself from illness, from feeling bad, or from death. Possessions certainly aren’t going to do it. And yet we kid ourselves that they will. That if we have the trappings of a happy productive life we’ll actually be happy and productive. Some of us gain weight, too, when we feel scared: as self-protection, a shield against rejection, a way to keep other people at a distance. (I’m not saying food doesn’t have a part to play, just that subconscious factors influence a lot of our actions.)

So I’m going to start looking at everything I own (from books to clothes to knick-knacks — why do I have all these knick-knacks?) and everything I do (from sending Christmas cards out of obligation to following people I don’t click with on Twitter so I don’t offend them) through the lens of:

DO I WANT THIS IN MY LIFE?

I’m worried about doing this. My mind is throwing up thoughts like:

What if I stop worrying incessantly about the future, and I don’t get better? What if I stop hoarding all these things?

In other words, what if I’m not OK?

But what if… I am?

Exploding woo woo

Maybe it’s time I thought about opening my mind to that possibility. I’ve lost a lot of things thanks to this illness, but by choosing to let go of stuff (grief, anger, resentment, belongings), maybe I can take back some power.

Sure, Elizabeth Gilbert got to go to Italy, India, and Indonesia, and I’ll get to go to… my bedroom. But I might find fun and enlightenment and start to love myself all the same. (That sentence may just explode under the weight of its own hippy woo woo-ness, but I stand by it.)

Of course, I’ll blog as I go (because there’s no point doing something if you don’t blog about it, is there?)

And universe, if you’re listening, feel free to *whoomp* rush in in anytime.