attention: idiots (a code of conduct for public behaviour)

Image: Flickr/mtungate

You know, sometimes I think that most people are basically good and the world isn’t such a terrible place, despite all the bad things that happen.

Then I go out into the world and mix with other allegedly sentient beings for a few hours and it makes me want to run home, close the curtains and never make human contact again.

Speaking of which.

Sunday was my mum’s birthday and as it was a special birthday, it was especially important that we (by which I mean my mum – because I’m disabled by long-term health problems not because I’m lazy) managed to dig ourselves out of the snow and make it to her special surprise birthday outing.

Despite the fact that it took my mum a good forty-five minute’s digging and despite the fact that our upstairs neighbour said “You won’t get out today” (red rag, have you met bull?) we made it. Well, we didn’t make it to the special surprise lunch reservation so had to grab a quick sandwich in John Lewis but we did make it to the ballet: a one day only, one-off performance of Swan Lake that my mum had wanted to see but I had expressed no interest in. (A brilliant bit of subterfuge on my part! Let’s just not mention the fact that my mum correctly guessed where we were going so it wasn’t really a surprise!) To be fair, I wasn’t really interested in going. Although I love watching dance, I don’t have much enthusiasm for sitting through an entire ballet. I did it once over a decade ago (Giselle, very nice) and that was kind of enough. But I wanted to go with my mum and keep her company and I thought it might be good.

I also thought other people might behave in a manner that behooves being out in public rather than say, their living room.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ha.

Ha!

Not so much.

I really don’t know what is wrong with some people. It’s like they have no awareness that they are not the only person in the world. You would think someone would have brought them up to have a bit of human kindness, or failing that, courtesy and the understanding that it’s only fair to respect other people when you have to share a small space with them.

But people are IDIOTS. Or there’s something about perfectly normal people that turns them into IDIOTS when they go out in public.

So I’ve composed a handy guide to public conduct, based on real events. I don’t say this about all my blog posts but feel free to print out this one and pass it around in order to spread the important message. That message being: we will not stand for this any more! (It was this or become a homicidal maniac.)

1. If you’re going to an event that is not kid-themed, like say, ballet, and it lasts more than an hour (or say, 2 hrs 15) and your kids are younger than 12, so incapable of not becoming restless when they become  incredibly bored… DO NOT TAKE THEM WITH YOU. They will moan, cry, begin talking loudly, fall asleep or some combination of the above. And it’s not their fault: it’s YOURS.

2. If you have disobeyed rule 1, and your kid gets incredibly bored or doesn’t understand what’s happening in the first five minutes, do not, I repeat DO NOT, pull that approximately nine year old child onto your knee and start explaining what is happening in your OUTSIDE VOICE , complete with pointing and leaning forward so that people can’t see and have to rely on your inane commentary for guidance.

3. If you’re ten minutes late and you’re sitting in the middle of the front row – firstly, you don’t really deserve to have been allowed in. Secondly, it is not a good idea to start whispering and rustling and disturbing everybody. It’s bad enough that you’re making the entire front row get up and thus ruining that part of the performance for them. GET A WATCH.

4. Speaking of those oh-so-special rustling noises: if you’re sitting behind, say, me and you’re feeling suicidal, why not bring a plastic bag full of drinks and sweets and spend a full five minutes rustling it, just for funzies? You’ll be taking your life in your hands. Literally.

5. If you go to the bar for an interval drink, that hot coffee, glass of OJ and bottle of J20 are not supposed to be taken back into the auditorium. That’s why there are signs everywhere saying “no drinks beyond this point”. If you ignore this, and continue swigging and slurping throughout the performance, please also make sure that you are not almost knocking out the person in the seat next to you with your enthusiastic arm movements.

6. In case you didn’t pick up on that subtle transfer of information: Yes, there is someone next to you. Hello! Remember when you wanted to get  to your seat so you and your friend and your kids just stood there staring until those people on the end of the row telepathically understood you wanted them to move, and stood up so you could get past? Those people you didnt say “excuse me” or “thank you” to? One of those charmed people was me. HELLO!

7. I’m not kidding, get that kid off your knee… AND STOP LEANING FORWARD.

8. Photographs? You think I don’t see you, you three separate people taking photographs? REALLY? You don’t think that’s incredibly rude and distracting to the performers  and disrespectful to the other audience members? In case you’re having trouble with this, think: maybe those “no photographs allowed” signs are there for a reason.

9. If someone behind you has finally had enough and let out an angry “Ssshhhh!” to their noisy, stupid, drink-swigging neighbours, don’t turn around and give them the stink eye. We’re on the same side. (You’re also wasting your time giving the stink eye to that girl playing with the velcro rabbit – sure it’s noisy and distracting but her mother is two seats over. She’s to blame.)

10. I’ll just go straight to the mental institution from here, don’t worry. I needed a rest anyway. It would be polite to send flowers. But I won’t hold my breath.